If you’re here because you read my ‘Modern Love’ essay in The New York Times, welcome!
That essay tells the story of loving my husband through severe depression and electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). It captures a specific moment in time—a surreal visit to the Apple store, a locked psych ward, fear, devotion—but writing it did something larger for me.
It helped me see patterns I’ve been living out since childhood. The instinct to hold it together. The reflex to hang on when letting go would be the smarter move. The pride in being the one who can take the hits and keep functioning. The belief that competence will keep me safe.
Putting this story on the page forced me to examine where those patterns began, and whether they still serve me. Speaking this truth aloud was a liberation. It was a quiet but definitive act of stepping out of hiding.
I’m currently at work on a memoir that goes deeper into these themes: endurance, visibility, love, inherited silence, and what it means to stop postponing your real life.
I’m deeply grateful to Jonathan for giving me his full permission and support to tell our story. It’s not a small thing to let someone write about your most vulnerable season, and I don’t take that lightly.
More to come. Thank you for being here.
Working Without a Net 
so beautifully written, thank you for being brave enough to share your diary. we all struggle but can’t all scribble as well as you – absolutely fabulous
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My 64-year old brother has suffered from mental illness since he was 19.Your description of your journey with Jonathan filled me with love and joy for both of you. Thank you.
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Another psychiatrist here! As you so skillfully and lovingly described, ECT saves lives and helps one’s personality to return. Thank you to you and your family for sharing your story.
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I am a psychiatrist and you so perfectly captured a family journey. Thank you
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Stephanie, thank you for sharing your story. You are a brilliant writer but more importantly, what you chose to write about here will save lives. I lost my brother-in-law to severe depression and I believe in my heart that if he had heard your words he might still be here. In the past I have also suffered with severe depression and it is so helpful to know that when necessary there is a successful way out of the rabbit hole. I am truly grateful to Jonathan for sharing his journey and to you for putting that journey into such loving and hopeful words.
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ECT is lifesaving and amazing. After years of treatment-resistance to every SSRI, my daughter’s severe depression as part of POTS was lifted by ECT. The meds were treating one part of her brain chemically when the cause was electrical in another part. I’m guessing your husband’s pulmonary embolism may have triggered a dysautonomic reaction, a kind of short circuiting of his nervous system (similar to long covid), which caused the depression as a electrical brain malfunction (I’m not a doctor and so describe this in my amateur way). Did he develop other seemingly disconnected issues? Night sweats, GI problems, pale skin, dizziness, pupil dilation, etc, etc? My daughter’s dysautonomia came on years ago after mononucleosis. Im very glad your husband found his way to ECT.
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your essay was so beautiful it made me cry, and marvel at the devotion some people have for each other.
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thank you for telling the truth about mental illness.
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Absolutely and emotionally brilliant! Relative to the memoir put me down for a autographed pre-order.
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What an incredible essay to stumble upon in my inbox. Moving. Honest. Absolutely a gift to experience. A heartfelt thank you for sharing this with me.
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Stephanie, I wrote some beautiful words but my battery died before I got to post them. I just want to say, as I’m guessing you may know, that many would have been out the door. My respect for you is very substantial. You are wonderful and everyone who has a soulmate like you is very blessed. Rabbi Setton
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Stefanie, thank you for telling Jonathan’s and your story. It is sad that ECT tends to be a last resort for treating deep depression rather than a front-line treatment. In 1994 my 75-year-old dad was literally dying from depression and about to take my mom with him from worry and helplessness. Thank God (and the University of Washington) for ECT. We had him for seven more years, trout fishing, gardening, enjoying grandkids and living life.
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Your piece in Modern Love was moving.
I lost my husband to suicidal depression and have experienced depression myself. I have found lasting mental health improvement from a healthy, plant-based diet. It turns out that it is known that a healthy plant-based diet benefits mood and other facets of mental health. More info. on this is on the website nutritionfacts dot org, The Exam Room podcast called “Food and Mood,”and in these books: How Not to Die (Chap. 12) by Michael Greger; Neal Barnard’s Your Boy in Balance (Chap. 11).
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I read your essay in the NYT and was moved by your love and devotion to your husband. Perhaps just as equally, I admired the writing–the structure, the expression, the care. I was curious to see what you do, and when I looked at your LinkedIn, I saw that you went to Geneseo. I literally jumped in my chair. I was so excited that a fellow graduate has made it as a writer. Congratulations!
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I must say that was one of the best written description of the efficacy of ECT. I am a psychiatrist that trained at NYU and has been a practicing psychopharmacologist for over 30 years. Your skill with words is quite impressive and so powerful in your ability to paint such a positive picture of ECT treatment. Perhaps contact FAMI (part of NAMI) to see if you can speak for them. You are very talented. Dr. Sheri Spirt.
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Thank you, Dr. Spirt. NAMI was a resource for me at crucial moments during my husband’s illness. It was be a privilege to speak for them. I’ll look into it.
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Thank you for sharing this transcendent insight into the endless capacity of the human heart to love and be loved. I don’t usually read this sort of writing, but your first words pulled me in and I stayed until the uplift at the end floated me away.
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I loved your essay- such a beautiful and accurate depiction of losing a loved one to an illness and then getting them back. I was able to bear witness to an ECT treatment session and watch a patient come back to herself while hospitalized (I was a behavioral health social worker then) and it was nothing short of miraculous. I am so glad your family was also a success story.
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This was such a beautiful love story. Touching and real and inspiring. I feel grateful you have found and shared this place. Thank you.
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I loved it. Who is publishing your memoir?
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Thank you. I’m querying agents now, but will certainly share updates here as details solidify.
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So many thanks for your bravery and frankness in sharing your personal story about the struggles of loving soneonec who has mental health challenges and chooses this often misunderstood route to address and alleviate their deep depression. Your narrative was as honest as it was inspirational. These treatments are not for everyone , but should surely be considered as an important option to pharmaceutical ones , which are not often enough alone.
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I am am a retired nurse who worked at the Center for Mental Health and Addiction in Toronto for decades. Your essay is a beautiful story of love and care. You have also performed an important act of public education for those people who have only a horror movie misconception about ECT. It can absolutely be a true life saver for many people. There are also those who can benefit from outpatient maintainance treatments monthly. Wishing you and your family the best of health in the future.
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i read your article in the NY Times and could relate to it so well because I have an adult son with similar issues. I can only say I wish he had a wife like you, but alas, he has no wife at all. Keep doing all you do for your family. I am in awe of you.
lorraine
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Yes, I came here because of your Modern Love essay- it was so beautifully written and I wanted to thank you for sharing such a painful personal experience with the world. My (adult) son struggles with extreme bipolar disorder and debilitating depression and has tried to commit suicide three times. We finally decided to try ECT, and like you I was so afraid it would erase who he was. But instead it really helped him and he hasn’t felt suicidal since. So since there is still such shame and ignorance surrounding this procedure, I am always so grateful when someone speaks openly and publicly about it. I look forward to your memoir!
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You’re a beautiful writer and I’m delighted to hear a memoir is on the way.
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I came here from that essay too. It has very deep personal meaning to me because this year I lost my husband of 60 years to depression. Thank you for writing this; it really helped.
You have another fan.
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I’m in my 49th year of marriage to a man with who has been in therapy for 47 years. About 25 years ago he had a crisis and opted for ECT. It made a profound difference to us. Although we’ve had some ups and downs since, it’s never descended back so far, and our marriage has been the joy of our lives.
Sounds like you’re doing very well and I hope you have many wonderful times ahead of you. Every day I try to be thankful for what we have. I here that gratitude in your voice. Best regards.
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Thank you. A friend went through this over a decade ago. What a wondrous blessing when it works. She’s still good, and more importantly still here, and still her. Bravely and honestly told, I look forward to a ten year check in of a good life.
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I came here from that essay. The tears are still wet on my cheeks. The man I love is a year into a cancer battle and life has felt ugly. Something about the way you framed your story helped me see the love and beauty in ours. I hope your fourth date lasts many decades more.
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